Humans Say the Darndest Things
by The Marvelous Mad Madam Mim
Summary: What if the Jellicles read fanfiction?


**_*Author's Note: Just like "Alternate Reality", I wrote this as merely something to pass the time...and of course, I decided to share it with you guys. This is, in my humble and so-unimportant opinion, what the Jellicles really think of all our hard work...Enjoy!*_**

"Holy lama jama!" Tumblebrutus burst onto the scene, his eyes wide with excitement and fear. The other cats, who were lounging about the yard, all looked at him with mild amusement.

"What is it, Tumble?" Jenny asked with a motherly smile.

"There-there-there is this place," Tumble explained with breathless excitement. "It's on a web—"

"Like a spider web?" Cetty cocked her head to the side curiously.

Tumble shook his head vehemently, "No, no—on a computer! Tugger showed it to me. A place where humans write stories."

"How interesting," Bombalurina commented dryly. She did not sound thrilled.

"Stories about us!" Tumble added triumphantly.

All the cats sat up at this last admission. Misto, who was lounging on a abandoned psychedelic bean bag, commented in a voice that sounded very much like Stewie Griffin from Family Guy, "Whoa, really? Sounds totally wicked."

"You've been in the catnip again, haven't you?" Jellyorum eyed the tuxedoed tom suspiciously.

"Free country, woman, get off my back!" Misto shot back.

"S-s-s-so there's a place where everyone just writes about us, all day long?" Demeter looked around quickly, her eyes widened with fear. She began to hyperventilate, "Oh, sweet rumpus cat!"

"Ah, just what we need," Bombie gave a wry grin. She called out in a disinterested air, "Munku, get your mate a paper bag. Dem's goin' edgy again."

"How did you find this place, Tumble?" Electra leaned forward.

"Tugger found it." The young tom said simply. Then his face lit up with kittenish excitement, "Oh, you should see this place!"

"I think we should," Old Deuteronomy sat up, a grave look on his face. "This could be very serious. Very serious indeed. What if they know the Jellicle Secrets?"

There was a collective gasp of horror from the group.

"Do you really think humans could learn such things?" Jellyorum didn't seem too convinced. "They're so….ignorant."

"Why else would they write about us?" Old D looked at the Tribe.

"Why wouldn't they write about us?" Bombalurina fluffed her whiskers carelessly. "After all, I am the most beautiful and interesting—" A quick look from Dem caused her to backtrack. "—er, I mean, _we _are the most interesting cats on the planet."

"You bet your sweet bippy we are," Tugger agreed, smiling smoothly down at the kittens, who squealed in delight at his sudden appearance. With a cocky flip of his perfectly arranged mane (thanks to Aquanet), he added, "You should see the things they write about me."

"Oi'd rather not," Rumpleteaser admitted with a wrinkle of her tiny nose. Tugger was good looking, but he was nothing compared to her own Mungo.

"We really should take a look at this," Munkustrap stood up, a look of concern on his handsome features. He turned to Tugger, "How do we find this place?"

"Got a computer?" Tugger asked.

"Not one that works," Munku looked around the junkyard.

"We could fix tha' for you," Mungojerrie supplied helpfully.

"Roight!" Teaser leapt forward excitedly. "We can swoipe ya a laptop, no problem!"

"Stealing is wrong," Munku reminded them. They stared at him blankly.

"And?" Mungo seemed unsure of where this was heading.

Munku shook his head, "Nevermind. Just…borrow a laptop."

"Shore thing, boss," Teaser tried to keep a straight face. "We'll jus' borrow one."

The dynamic duo scampered off, giggling delightedly at the thought of perpetrating another crime.

"You do realize they are going to steal it?" Tantomile asked gravely. She and Coricopat looked down at the others from their usual perch.

"We'll deal with it later," Munku gave a heavy sigh.

"I wonder what they write about us," Cassandra snuggled up to Alonzo. The black and white tom shrugged, "Guess we'll just have to wait and see."

~*~

"Ok, everybody," Jennyanydots announced, waving her paws to quiet the crowd of cats gathered around the newly "borrowed" laptop. Asparagus and Skimble quickly tapped the keys, finally bringing up the website.

"Here we go," Asparagus muttered as he clicked on a story. "Fanfiction? What is that?"

"A lame human pastime, apparently," Admetus replied dryly. Victoria pressed her way through the huddle, "Oh, is there anything about me? Do they say how beautiful and wonderful and special I am?"

"You're an albino," Electra pointed out. "By all accounts you are actually a freak of nature."

"Hey!" Tanto and Corico cried in unison. "Not the F word!"

"Sorry," the dark kitten mumbled. She gave a shrug before adding, "Still, it's true. You'd think Vicki was the Everlasting Cat incarnate, the way she carries on, when really it's just a genetic anomaly."

"Someone's been reading the discarded science books," Cassandra commented with a wry grin.

The cats all leaned forward as they began to read the screen. Jemima piped up, "Hey, look, Mac! There's a story about you!"

"Why are they always making me out to be the bad guy?" Macavity whined as he rolled his eyes. "It was just a prank!"

"Well, it lost its humor after you dragged me around like a plaything," Demeter replied sourly.

"Another regrettable prank," the gingertom admitted. "Looking back, I realize that was not the best idea."

"Did you realize this before or after you got into a shoving match with Munkustrap?" Bombalurina arched her eyebrow, an amused smile on her pretty features.

"Enough," Old Deuteronomy said, quickly ending the all-out brawl that was about to erupt between Bombie and Macavity.

"Mil and I can read minds?" Corico scoffed at the statement. "Who ever heard of such a thing?"

"And we're sleeping together?!" Tanto's face went ghastly pale. "Oh, that's gross! We're not that weird!"

Asparagus had a coughing fit, "Sorry. I choked on the irony of your statement."

The twins shot him dark looks. Cetty rolled her eyes, "Bo-ring! Let's skip to another one."

The twins looked particularly hurt that no one else found their tale interesting, but they didn't say anything. Rumpleteaser feigned a yawn, "Lessee one about me an' Mungo."

Alonzo began to laugh uncontrollably, "They think you're brother and sister, too!"

"Wha'?!" Mungo leaned forward to inspect the screen. Teaser rolled her eyes, "Jus' cuz we look alike dohn' mean we're kin. Gory!"

"There's one about Misto," Jellyorum pointed out.

"Look, I'm just happy to be here," Misto replied drolly. His eyes were doing very strange things. "I mean, you know, it's just…an honor to be here."

"Where exactly do you think you are?" Cassandra asked, looking at him in concern.

"Who cares?" He looked around, his eyes still rolling about his head in a freakish manner.

"Niphead," Alonzo muttered under his breath.

"Hey! I heard that!" Misto stood up defensively. He looked around wildly, "Heard that, too!"

"Nobody said anything," Cassandra slowly moved away from him. He was really starting to worry her.

"Liar!" Misto burst into tears.

"This one looks interesting," Admetus selected another tale. Bombalurina puffed up with pride once she realized that she was the main character of the story.

Jenny turned to Bombie in shock, "You did that?!"

"Pure fiction, I assure you," Bombie said lazily, although she didn't sound very sincere. She also didn't seem too concerned with the fact that no one believed her.

"Wait til you see what they write about us," Tugger grinned mischievously, slipping his arm around the red queen.

"Again, pure fiction," Bombie removed his paw from her shoulder, the corner of her lip curling in disgust.

Undaunted, Tugger held up his paws, "I dunno…some of them have some pretty good ideas; perhaps we could try a few—"

"I score with Bombie?!" Pouncival leaned forward to read the screen excitedly. He pumped his fists in the air triumphantly, "YESSSSS!"

Everyone else looked at Bombalurina in shock, but she was too busy preening to notice. When she finally did sense their gaze, she shrugged, "What?"

"We shouldn't be reading this," Jenny said.

"Uh-huh," Pounce was engrossed with reading about his encounter with Bombalurina.

"I wanna read about me," Victoria whined. The others shot her a dark look.

"This is nothing but mindless drabble," Old Deuteronomy concluded, shaking his head sadly. He turned to go, "Put it away. These humans have nothing important to write."

"Perhaps," Munkustrap stepped forward tentatively. "Perhaps we should look a little while longer…you know, just to make sure."

"Whoa!" Pounce cried excitedly. "It says here that Munku and Bombie—"

"Okay, that's enough," Munkustrap quickly slammed the laptop closed. He shot a sheepish look towards Demeter, who did not look pleased. Bombie just smiled coyly and Tugger looked hurt. The Protector motioned the others away, "Nothing to see here, folks. That's enough for today."

Teaser stepped forward timidly, "Uh, Munku?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we 'ave our computah back? We worked real 'ard to steal—er, borrow it."

"Take it."

"Alroight!" Mungo pumped his fist in the air. Teaser helped him lift the laptop. The two trotted out of the yard happily, their devious little minds running with anticipation.

" 'Ow much ya think we'll geh for thissun?"

"Dunno, Teasah. Leh's troi tha pawn shop on Kings Street first. They got good proices."

"Roight-O, Mungo. Roight-O."


End file.
